


Alignments

by Cat_With_a_Quill



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: D&D, D&D references galore, No Spoilers, Remus is Remus but nothing too bad, figuring out classes and alignments, let's look at them subclasses, vague reference to Critical Role, what really fits best?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:27:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26668930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cat_With_a_Quill/pseuds/Cat_With_a_Quill
Summary: “Hey guys?”The question came from Virgil, who was absentmindedly scrolling through tumblr from his seat on the counter. “Random question: If we were D&D characters, what class and alignments would we be?”
Comments: 2
Kudos: 37





	Alignments

**Author's Note:**

> This is longer than I expected, but I hope someone will at least find it interesting :P

“Hey guys?” 

The question came from Virgil, who was absentmindedly scrolling through tumblr from his seat on the counter. “Random question: If we were D&D characters, what class and alignments would we be?”

“Why, are you planning on setting up an epic campaign for us?” Roman asked with a smirk as he looked up from the TV. 

“Nah, just came across some fanart of us in a fantasy world and I was wondering.” He looked up at the others. Roman was sitting on the couch in a prime movie-watching position beside Patton, who held a bowl of popcorn and wore a cat onesie. Logan was on the other side of the couch, reading a book. It took him all of two seconds to say “You know what? Never mind, I think I already know the answer.” 

Roman raised an eyebrow. “Do you now, Lolth?” 

“Lolth is a literal queen so I’m taking that as a compliment, and yes, Princy, I think it’s pretty obvious.” 

“Well, tell us then, kiddo!” Patton piped up, “This sounds like a fun little way of figuring out how we see each other!” 

“It does sound like an… interesting thought experiment, though the logistics of such games are completely unrealistic.” Logan mused flatley without looking up from his book. 

“That’s kinda the point of ‘em, Lo.” Virgil sighed and shifted, looking up at them again. He didn’t want to accidentally offend them in some way, but… “Patton’s lawful good and definitely either a cleric or a druid; he loves helping people a ton but I don’t know that he would pass up a chance to have an easy familiar and turn into animals. Logan’s a lawful neutral wizard, all book smarts and strategy, and Princy is definitely a neutral good paladin.” 

Roman made a slight noise of protest. “Excuse you, paladins are a class of the law! And I guarantee that I’d at least multiclass into fighter or sorcerer.” 

Virgil snorted. “You have definitely got at least a bit of chaos in you. Do I need to remind you of how many times you’ve threatened us with that sword?” He looked back down at his phone. “Besides, those classes you just listed are kinda why I chose paladin. Some magic and some swordsmanship, plus you’re super protective and it’s the closest you can probably get to being an actual prince.” 

“What about you then, Mr. Drow? What would your class and alignment be?” 

Virgil paused at that. Then a smirk crossed his lips. “What do you guys think I am?” 

“Oooh, yeah, we should all say what we think everyone is!” Patton chirped cheerily. 

“Did you have a different idea for what I and Roman would be, Patton?” Logan inquired, “I actually thought that Virgil’s deduction was rather accurate.” 

Patton tilted his head. “Well, I think they make sense, but I was actually thinking Artificer for Logan and chaotic good for Roman.” 

Roman sputtered for a moment. “Chaotic? What-” 

Patton giggled. “Don’t get me wrong, I love your eccentrics, Roman, but you are a little all over the place.” 

Virgil smiled. “Why don’t we make this a bit of a game? Each person has to pick a class for each other person that hasn’t already been picked for that person. To make it easier, I’ll settle on Druid for Patton.” 

“Did someone say game?” A gray-streaked head poked in from around the corner, and a groan could be heard from both Roman and Virgil. 

“Why are you here, Remus?” Roman asked in exasperation. 

Remus let out a faux offended gasp. “Why, I just wanted to grab a little snack. Is that so wrong?” 

Virgil looked surprised. “Wait, you actually came to the kitchen to get something to eat? Like, the place where we keep actual edible foods?” 

Remus scoffed. “I’m not an _animal_ , Virgin.” He then proceeded to walk over to the drawer where they kept plastic bags and such, pulling out the box of parchment paper, rolling out a piece, and biting off a corner. “Trees are perfectly edible.” 

Virgil clicked his tongue and turned back to the living room. “Nevermind, he’s still insane.” 

Remus smirked. “I’m offended you would even consider thinking me any less. Now, what’s this spicy little game we’re playing? Is it truth or dare? I’m totally down for a juicy game of truth or dare.” 

“We are attempting to determine what classes and alignments fit best for each of us if we were characters in the realm of Dungeons and Dragons,” Logan stated flatly, “The only rule is that you cannot repeat a class for a single person once it’s been suggested.” 

“Well, that sounds like it wouldn’t be interesting at all, and certainly couldn’t lead to any sort of conflict even though that certainly wouldn’t be fun to see.” A smooth voice sounded from across the room, and Virgil hissed almost on instinct. 

Roman just sighed. “Really, snake? We might be able to deal with one of you, but not two!” 

“What? Just because you’re not the biggest fan of us means we can’t participate in an interesting discussion centered around a certain game that certainly isn’t made all the better by lies of omission and…” Janus glanced at Remus, who bit off another chunk of parchment paper, “... absolute… randomness, anyway, we just wanted to join in on a fun activity.” 

“I certainly don’t see how either of you could! You’re simply too evil for a game centered around heros and-” 

“Janus is neutral evil and Remus is Chaotic evil, they’re both bards, prove me wrong.” Virgil had stood up and was making his way over to the safe zone of the couch, gaze again locked on his phone as he spoke. 

Janus let out a noise of offense. “Well, I guess that settles it. We’re joining in on this little game, and here’s the ticket: Once we’ve all made at least one suggestion per person, we each choose the one we think fit best with us based _solely on the explanation given_ and not out prejudices about the class.” 

Virgil snorted. “Alright, well let’s start from the beginning then so we’re all on the same track. I’ve already said mine, so I’ll just explain them: Patton is lawful good, obviously, morals anyone? And I say he’s a druid, he loves animals just as much as, maybe more than people and he’s pretty fluid with his emotions like a druid can be fluid with their shape when they turn into animals. Logan’s a lawful neutral wizard, he’s all booksmarts and cares more about thinking logically than thinking about what’s best, and Roman’s a neutral good paladin ‘cause he’s not absolute chaos and has good intentions and paladins are basically royal goodie-two-shoes who aim higher than they can reach and can be pretty self-focused and passionate.”

He looked at Janus and Remus. “As for you two, you’re bards ‘cause, for Janus, it’s a charisma-based class and you’re constantly twisting your words to get your way while Remus.. I mean, come on. It’s like the number one bard meme.” 

Remus smiled. “Oh, I would _definitely_ roll to seduce every dragon we came across. No, every living thing we came across. And every dead thing.” 

“Gross. But yeah, I think mine are pretty self explanatory. Patton already sorta started, so I guess you’re next, Pop.” 

Patton beamed. “Well, I still think that Logan’s lawful neutral, but I’d say he’s an artificer. He loves learning new things and finding solutions through logic instead of less conventional means, like magic, and artificers sort of replicate magic through inventions instead of just casting spells. Roman… I think you fit a fighter, you like to be skilled in a lot of different things instead of choosing one craft, or weapon in this case, and you’re chaotic good ‘cause you’re our little over dramatic prince!” 

Patton then turned to the other three, looking at them before shifting a little uncomfortably. “Well, Virgil, I think you’d probably be neutral good: you have our best interests at heart and are willing to go either with or against the rules depending on the situation. I think you’d be a… Oh, you could be a cleric! You’re always getting us out of bad situations! And Janus, um.. I want to say warlock, because it’s another charisma based class and warlocks are all like strategic and stuff, but I feel like you would be more the patron than the warlock itself so you can be the one in control. I will say you’re true neutral though.” 

That earned a surprised scoff from Virgil. “Neutral? Patton, I would have expected you of all people to acknowledge he’s evil. When did you learn his name, anyway? I miss one video and suddenly you have an entirely different dynamic with the guy?” 

Patton shrugged. “I’m not too happy about it either, but he made a lot of good points. I realized that focusing on morals, well… I can forget what’s really best for Thomas sometimes.”

Virgil just shook his head in disbelief. “I just.. Wow. I am never missing a video again.” 

Patton giggled. “Oh, right, and Remus. Uh… Chaotic evil and…” 

Roman cleared his throat. “Alright, one thing: Can we all just agree that Remus is definitely chaotic evil and it’s the only alignment that fits him?”

Everyone agreed without hesitation, including Remus himself as he bit off another chunk of paper. 

“Well, alright, I think Remus could be, uh..” Patton tapped his chin for a moment. “Barbarian, because you rush into things without any holdback or hesitation, no matter how… undesirable that action could be for those around you.” 

“So we got paladin and fighter for Roman, wizard and artificer for Logan, cleric for me, druid for patton, bard and barbarian for Remus-” 

“Bardbarian!” 

“Right, and bard and warlock for Janus. Who’s next?” 

“Here’s a thought,” Janus spoke up, “Roman could be a warlock-” the prince made a noise of indignance. Janus rolled his eyes. “Celestial subclass, let me finish next time. You could be a celestial warlock pact of the blade, what with how much you summon that sword, and it’s a charisma class which I would think is certainly fitting for your… charmin aura. Neutral good, of course.” 

Roman processed this for a moment. “Wait, don’t unicorns count as patrons for celestial warlocks?” At Janus’ sarcastic nod, Roman let out a cheer. 

Janus sighed. “Anyway, I was thinking, if we’re allowing content outside of the official rulebook, Logan could be a rune scribe.” 

Logan looked up from his book, a puzzled look on his face. “Sorry?” 

“A rune scribe. I am certainly not surprised that you hadn’t heard of it, it is definitely one of the most popular UA classes there is. I definitely don’t need to explain this to you, but a rune scribe is an intelligence-based class that uses rune magic, and rune mages tend to almost obsessively seek out more knowledge about runes and languages, much like Logan has obsessive tendencies when it comes to Thomas’ logic and knowledge.” 

Logan rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “That does seem… rather fitting.” 

“Yes, because I definitely would have chosen it if it didn’t fit at all. I also think we can all agree that you are lawful neutral, and Patton most certainly tries to be lawful good. As for class, Patton is most definitely a cleric of the light domain. It is the most moral based and truthful of the subclasses, after all, and the cleric is always eager to help.” 

“Aw, I’m glad that’s what you think of me!” 

Janus rolled his eyes. “Yeah, for whatever mistakes you might make, I can acknowledge that your heart is in the right place. I’ll say Remus is a paladin, oathbreaker: he broke his oath to try and be helpful a long time ago, if he ever had one to begin with. And Virgil?” 

Virgil was preemptively glaring at the yuan-ti, who put his gloved hands up defensively. “I haven’t even said anything yet. Although, I was going to suggest a shadow magic sorcerer. Good intentions or not, it is in your being to bring a feeling of unsettlement, and for a long time you did your work from the shadows through whispers planted ideas. You may have joined up with the party now, but before that, and even when you first joined in, you used shadows to your advantage. You are also determined to the point where, like the class, you very well may find it in yourselves to come back when you should have been knocked out.” 

Virgil looked back down and refused to speak his thoughts on the suggestion. After a moment, Janus chose to move on. 

“Finally, there’s Remus. Wild magic sorcerer definitely does not describe your absolute chaos at all, especially as for the subclass, your magic definitely does not originate from your link to the forces of chaos themselves, and it also has nothing to do with the fact that it’s another charisma based class and you totally don’t largely rely on your… strange form of charisma.” 

Remus laughed. “Of course, I’d love to accidentally summon a fireball centered on myself and kill my entire party.”

“I thought so.” 

Roman huffed. “Well, if we’re going by subclasses now, Janus and Logan could both fit rogue. Janus could be a mastermind, finding people’s secrets and using them against them, while Logan would inquisitive with his eye for details and love for unraveling mysteries. To keep on the same trail, Remus could be a wild card, doing what he likes when he likes and leaving the results up to chance without considering them beforehand. Patton could be a monk way of tranquility, he sees violence as an absolute last resort if it should be resorted to at all and way of tranquilities are skilled in the healing arts, they often care for the wellbeing of others over themselves to an extent.” 

“You guys are all being so nice to me! What a troop we have!” 

Logan deadpanned. “... was that an incredibly vague pun?”

Patton smiled. “Did you catch the incredibly vague pun?” 

Logan sighed and looked back at his book. 

Roman smiled. “And Virgil, ah..” He paused for a moment, considering the anxious side. “You could be a gloom stalker ranger, you hang out in a lot of gloomy places and even with your doom-and-gloom appearance, your main aim is just to protect and all the angst just comes from how you go about it.” Virgil considered this before simply nodding. 

“Neither of you have said my alignment, though,” He pointed out, looking to Roman and Janus. 

Janus sighed. “Well, I totally wouldn’t say you’re neutral good, because you definitely aren’t just looking out for Thomas’ well being and don’t have a lot more in common with me in that respect than you’re willing to admit.” 

“Well,” Roman started, “I may have forgotten that to be honest. I have no difference of opinion on Logan, Remus, or Patton, though I would agree that you, Virgil, are neutral good but I would agree with you that Janus is neutral evil.” He sent the snake a suspicious glare. 

“Well then,” Logan finally marked and closed his book, looking up at the others. “I believe it may as well be my turn, and to start, I would agree with what seems to be the general consensus regarding Virgil, Patton, and Remus’ alignments. Roman, I would hazard to agree with Virgil on your being neutral good as well. As for classes, Virgil could be an Echo Knight fighter. They harness the potential from alternate timelines, and Virgil certainly harnesses the possibilities of what would have happened to generate more anxious thoughts. Patton could be a scout fighter, finding safe paths both literal and figurative for companions. I’m sure Roman would be happy to be a divine soul sorcerer, perhaps with a prophecy surrounding him, though I choose it as they are written as having a sort of natural magnetism.” 

Roman put on a confident smile. “Which I clearly possess, of course.” 

Janus rolled his eyes. “Of course.” 

Logan ignored these comments. “Janus could be a monk, way of the cobalt soul, seeking out secrets and either guarding them or bringing them to light as the situation demands. Patton could be an oath or glory paladin, encouraging his companions and guiding friends through hardships. As for Remus… A trickery domain cleric seems rather fitting, does it not? Seeking to cause as much chaos as possible, and I’m certain that he would find it rather enjoyable to follow some being that not only watches gladly, but encourages it.” 

“Oh, yes! Finally someone who can accept me for who I am!” 

“Who you are is a psychopath,” Virgil pointed out. 

“It’s your turn, Remus.” 

Remus finished off his parchment paper and flopped backwards across the coffee table. “Aren’t we all just a load of bards trying to pass ourselves off as something else?” 

“Janus has already been called a bard, you have to put in at least a little effort.” Virgil pressed further back into the couch, away from the mustached side. 

Remus huffed dramatically. “Ugh, fine! I had something else in mind for a few of you anyway.” He pointed to Logan. “You could be a blood hunter.” 

Logan seemed taken aback. “What on earth makes you say that?” 

Remus shrugged from his position sprawled across the coffee table. “They seek intelligence even in things people don’t like. Plus, you seem like the type to lose a little blood for a goal.” He smiled and sat up, crossing his legs. “Virgil could be a warlock of the Raven Queen.” 

“Wha- you had better have a damn good explanation for _that_ comment!” Virgil shouted indignantly. 

“You’re in constant anticipation of death, the Raven Queen knows when people are gonna die and gives warnings about stuff. She totally fits your whole anxious aesthetic. Plus, you could end up like Vax-” 

“We don’t talk about Vax!” 

Remus shrugged. “Whatever. I still say Patton is a bard. Don’t know what college, but he is. Janus could be an oathbreaker paladin with me.” He did not elaborate as Janus just rolled his eyes. After a moment, Patton spoke up. 

“Okay, now we’ve all gone, what does everyone think? I kind of think I’d multiclass, Monk way of Tranquility and Druid, cause I really do love animals but it’s also true about talking people out of fighting! Also, I am happy to say I’m lawful good!” 

Logan seemed thoughtful for a moment. “I am actually still of the sentiment that Wizard fits best for me. They can be the most diverse in their study and are far more… elegant in their strategy than the other classes.” 

“Well,” Janus mused, “I wasn’t opposed to the idea of a mastermind rogue. Finding out people's secrets while working from the shadows certainly does sound like me. As for alignment, I very much consider myself to operate along the lines of true neutral. My methods may be.. unfavorable, but I am trying to do what benefits us.” 

Virgil rolled his eyes. “Yeah, you would say that.” 

Janus scoffed. “Well, what would you say you are then, Virgil?” 

Virgil was quiet for a moment. “I’ll go last, I still need to think about it.” 

“No surprise here, I am certainly a neutral good Paladin! Virgil was right, it is the most princely of the classes, and Oath of the Crown, so I can protect the people!” Roman stood and struck and knightly pose. 

“I actually loved Logan’s idea of a Trickery Domain Cleric,” Remus smiled slyly at the logical side, “But I’m going to have to at least multiclass into Bard. I’m stalking up on that sweet, sweet charisma. Oh, and chaotic evil. Obviously.” 

They turned to Virgil, as he would now officially be the last. His brow was furrowed. “I don’t know, this feels a lot like the whole thing with the Hogwarts houses.” He bit his lip in thought. “I suppose Gloom Stalker Ranger does seem pretty fitting though. Neutral good.”

“Great, we all have our classes! Now who’s going to DM?”

They looked to Remus, who was laying on his side on the coffee table, propped up on one arm and legs out beside him. 

“Yeah, I don’t think anyone wants to DM for you.” Virgil snarked as he stood to walk back over to the counter, away from the green side. 

“Or play in a campaign DMed by you,” Roman added sarcastically. 

“It certainly sounds like it might be a risk for Thomas’ mental health for any of us to spend an extended period of time in a fantasy world with you when you have free reign.” Logan stated before returning to his book.

“I certainly do not agree in the slightest, it would definitely be a pleasure listening to you trying to seduce a dragon in what would definitely not be far too much detail.” Janus added as he began to walk away.

“Maybe another time, kiddo.” Patton smiled comfortingly as Roman reached for the remote. 

Remus scoffed. “Fine, I guess I’ll just bring up the image of what it would be like until someone changes their mind.” With sounds of protest from the others, he grabbed another piece of parchment paper and walked out.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Are there any classes or subclasses that you guys think might fit that I didn't mention? Disagree with any alignments? I'd love to hear it! Also, if you're a die hard Remus fan, I'm sorry for basically portraying him as the annoying one that no one wants to deal with, but it fit well enough for this.


End file.
